Putting Resentment to Rest

Everyday we wake up so unaware. We have no idea what the day ahead holds. Sometimes we get to the end of it and realize that it was a great day, and other times...we don't even want to think about it. Sometimes the day can't end fast enough. Because then tomorrow can come, and we can start fresh.

Today was one of those not-so-great days.

We're in the fully-committed phase of potty training (the fully committed person being me), so I've already changed a certain two-year-old's panties four times. She's on her fifth pair. And that was all before 1:00 pm. Two of those clean ups involved poop. All of this after staying dry all day yesterday. If that doesn't tell you that this girl knows exactly what to do and simply chooses when to do it, I don't know what does.

Logan goes to preschool on MWF. I got four people fed, dressed, teeth brushed (only three on that one), and out the door on time. I packed Logan a nutritious snack of strawberries, carrot sticks, and goldfish, filled his cup with ice water, and put everything in his backpack. We got all the way to preschool when I discovered that after all my hard work, Logan hadn't managed to put his backpack in the car. I got to drive to and from the school twice, bringing my total driving time (plus loading, unloading, loading the girls) to almost an hour and a half. His preschool is only three hours long.

I made lunch for everyone. I got each kid down for their afternoon naps. I decided to be diligent and unload the dishwasher and then reload the dishwasher. I sat down to finally enjoy some downtime when Ollie woke up from her nap. No downtime for this mama.

With Ollie in tow, I watched the next lesson on the Six Truths of Motherhood I've been watching the last few days. My Bible reading has been fairly non-existent of late, and my excuse is always, "By the time I get the kids down--for nap or bed--I'm too tired to read anything. My brain feels like mush." But you know what I can do? I can listen. I am 100% a visual learner. I am not good at solely listening to a lesson. Learning to take notes in middle school and high school is the only reason I didn't fail every class I ever took. I wrote down everything my teachers said. If I could later read it--see it--I would remember it. And I love reading. I miss reading. But right now, I just can't do it. I'm just too tired or worn out. But watching a lesson on motherhood and the struggles we face and the joys we experience, I have no excuse not to do that. And it has been so incredibly helpful. Today the lesson was on resentment. Initially I thought, "This probably won't apply to me a whole lot." But then she started talking. And by the end of the lesson, not only had it applied to me, but I was in tears. Because without even realizing it, I've been living with a heart full of resentment for weeks. Maybe longer. And it's miserable.

Because, you see, everything that went wrong today, in my very resentful head, wouldn't have happened if we hadn't moved.

If we hadn't moved, I might have potty trained Raelyn a couple months ago, and I'd be done with it by now. If we hadn't moved, Logan would still be going to preschool for five and a half hours a day, not three. And Raelyn would be going too! He may have still left his backpack, but I would have still had hours of fewer-kids-time after dropping it off. And with this time extra time, my two older kids would nap at school (so I wouldn't even have had to do nap time--hallelujah!), and Ollie waking up from her nap wouldn't have mattered because I would have had some downtime already. If only we hadn't moved. But you know what? While some of that might be true, some of it is a bunch of hogwash. And the truth of it is, if I wanted to, I could look at all the good things that happened today instead of the bad. And believe it or not, there might even be a lot.
Let's see...
After making two round trips to the preschool, my neighbor (whose kids go to the same preschool as Logan) was willing to pick Logan up for me, so I wouldn't have to load the girls up again. If we hadn't moved, I wouldn't have had that.
My kids ate their lunches today without complaint.
Raelyn has actually used the potty more than she's had accidents. (And one of those accidents hardly counts because she caught herself pretty quickly and mostly peed on the potty.) And she woke up from her nap dry!!
I didn't have to go anywhere to get some sweet tea, because my husband picked up a free gallon of it last week. If we hadn't moved... that gallon would have cost nearly $7.00.
Travis got home at 4:00!

There are always going to be things that just don't go right. But there will also be things that are great--if we're willing to look for them. Every time I'm in an argument with Travis about anything, I have to bite my tongue not to say "If you hadn't made us move, we wouldn't need that/that wouldn't have happened/my day would have been better/etc."... but that's not fair to him. We made the decision to move together because we felt like it was what the Lord wanted for us. To resent him for something I agreed to and that the Lord led us to, is not only unfair, it's wrong. And today I'm owning that. I'm accepting that this move has been hard, but it's also been great. The Lord knew my biggest fear about moving was trying to start over and make new friends--so He provided friendly neighbors that welcomed us so quickly and gave us immediate community. I've started a "Focus on the Good" list... and it's making me a more pleasant mom, wife, and person.

Kid Quotes/Stories:
-Travis: [to the fussing kids in the car] Guys, look out the window. Count the cactuses.
 [Five minutes later]
 Logan: Daddy, what comes after 59?
 Moral of the story: there are a lot of cactuses here (or cacti, if "cactuses" bothers you)
-Raelyn: Can I plug it out? [When you think about it, that makes a lot more sense than "unplug it."]
-Logan: Daddy, let's drive to go visit nature!
-Me: [while in the car] Logan, is Ollie awake or asleep?
 Logan: She's asleep.
 Raelyn: She's awake.
 Logan: No, Raelyn. She's asleep!
 Raelyn: She's awake!
 Me: Raelyn can't even see Ollie, Logan. Please just ignore her.
 [Raelyn always says the opposite of what Logan says, because she knows it's going to upset him. And it does. Every. Single. Time.]
-Logan: Mommy, we can be lots of things when we grow up, right?
 Me: Sure.
 Logan: Because I'm going to be a firefighter on a moto-cycle and a police and an ambulance and a garbage truck and a football player.
 Kid's got dreams!
-Raelyn: We have robots in our house?
 Me: No, we don't have robots.
 Raelyn: Why?
-Logan: So that just happened.