the shifting winds of marriage

I went back and read my previous two "anniversary-lessons-learned-in-marriage" posts and have come away amazed. A bit dazed, really. Not because they were bad, but because they were so... simple. I think that's what makes marriage so crazy. You just never know what comes next. And when I wrote my two and three year post, marriage up to that point was easy. I wasn't naive enough to think it was always going to be so easy, but I was naive enough to think that I had years of blissful "our fights are few and far between" years ahead of us. But then we had a baby, and a whole new breed of arguments, hurt feelings, and frustrations reared their ugly heads. Suddenly, we weren't just here for each other: we were here for another tiny, helpless baby. And our free time was not our own. Instead of having an hour or two to read a book or watch a TV show while Travis worked in the garage or played with the dogs, we now had to consider what Logan would be doing. If he was napping, problem solved. If he wasn't... someone had to watch him. And once he got a bit older, someone had to entertain him or play with him. But after a few days or weeks of juggling Logan time and free time and cooking/cleaning/housekeeping time, it always became apparent that we hadn't spent any time together without the baby. So without further ado, here are the things I've learned in my fourth year of marriage:

1. "Couple time" is vital.
     Before we had a baby, when people asked us if we went out on dates or had "date night", we always shrugged and said, "Every night is kind of date night. Either we eat together at home or we eat together out...we don't need a special date night." Well, now I get it. Now I understand the need for a date night or just time to be together and talk about life and work and whatever else. We're still not very good about making it happen, but we see the need and we're working on it.

2. There are good and bad ways to lay out your grievances.
    You'd be amazed how many fights start because one person (ahem, me) decided to express her frustrations/feelings about something. Because instead of going to Travis in a calm, collected way and saying, "This particular thing is hurting my feelings/making me upset/making me feel inadequate/etc., can we talk about it?" I go in with accusations and condescension. He then gets defensive, which makes me more defensive--and then we're stuck in a vicious cycle. Talking things out is good: but there's a right and a wrong way to do it.

3. Just because something doesn't bother/upset you, doesn't mean it's not a valid sentiment.
    Travis doesn't like excessive clutter. To him, the house is a mess if there's too much clutter. I don't even notice the clutter. I mean, if it's getting way out of hand, sure. But in general, I figure we live here, so things are bound to get cluttered. And I have found myself telling Travis that being so uptight (which doesn't describe him at all) about clutter is silly. It's just not a big deal. But the truth is, it matters to him, so that makes it a big deal. Just like I care that the floor is swept and vacuumed daily (and mopped a couple times a week) whereas Travis doesn't even notice how gross the floor gets. (Doggie door + dogs + not enough grass outside = lots of dirt inside the house.) The same way that I don't appreciate him telling me that the floor being clean isn't a big deal, he doesn't appreciate it when I tell him clutter isn't a big deal. (And really, we need each other to keep the house from being in a shambles. Travis keeps the house less cluttered and I keep the floors clean. Yay!)

4. [Along with #3] Just because your spouse didn't do the chore you find most important, doesn't mean they didn't do something important.
    It took us months to realize that we don't always notice the little chores the other person does. While Travis is at work, I might have swept, vacuumed, mopped, wiped the kitchen counters, washed the dishes, put away the clean dishes, and reloaded the dishwasher--but he rarely noticed. What he noticed is that the living room is full of non-living room junk, my folded clothes are still piled up on the dresser instead of in the dresser, and the bathroom counter is covered by a bunch of clothes and products that I never use. So when he comes home and says, "So what exactly did you do all day?" I want to throw something at him. Something heavy. But what have I learned from this? I should try my hardest to declutter sometimes. It matters to him and he notices. And Travis has learned that just because I didn't declutter doesn't mean that I didn't do anything all day. (And that he should never ask that question unless he's actually asking, "What did you guys do today?" Notice the difference?)

5. Comparing jobs is bad.
   I did a "new mom" devotional book this year, and in one of the devotionals, the author talks about how she had a very "rose colored glasses" view of her husband's job. She imagined that he got to sit around with grown human beings having intelligent conversations, relaxing during his nice child-free lunch break, living the good life. Then he got to come home and see the kids at their best (so happy Dad's home!) for a couple hours, eat an already prepared meal, and relax for the rest of the evening once the kids were in bed. But when she finally told her husband what she thought, he let her in on a secret: his job wasn't really all that glamorous; her job was! She got to stay home with the kids and see them walk for the first time and say their first words and tell their first jokes. She got to hang out at the park or the mall or go swimming all day, every day, and never has to deal with office politics or any other work-life difficulties. The grass is always greener, huh? I learned that instead of feeling resentful that I never get to miss my child because I'm with him all. the. time., I need to be grateful that I have a wonderful husband that's willing to work all week long to provide for us. He comes home at lunch everyday to see us, always plays with Logan after work, does the bath routine before bed, and doesn't complain. And then I thought about whether I would really rather work all day instead of stay home with my baby: not in the least. I love being a stay-at-home mom, and I'm so grateful that my husband allows me to do that.

6. Avoid the car.
   Obviously this isn't really possible. But seriously, what is with all the arguing in the car?? It's amazing! Travis says he doesn't drive well (as in... he goes the wrong way all the time or forgets that red lights mean "stop until green" not "stop and then go"... those kinds of things) because I'm always talking to him and it's really hard for him to multitask: driving and listening. Hah. We do have a deal though. If we're driving in Waco (the city we live in!), going somewhere we know how to get to, and he goes the wrong way, he has to buy me Chick-fil-A. It's a win-win. If he goes the wrong way, instead of getting mad or annoyed that we get to "take the scenic route" again, I'm thrilled because I get extra Chick-fil-A. And then if I'm driving (which happens very infrequently) and I get unnecessarily angry at the other drivers on the road (minor road rage problems, don't worry about it), I have to buy him Chipotle. [In case you're confused, the only person that gets the extra fast food visit is the winner of the deal. If he goes the wrong way, I get Chick-fil-A, he doesn't. And vice versa.] It's been a good system thus far.

7. Don't get too comfortable with each other.
   This one isn't really possible and seems confusing since, you know, you're married and all. But I've noticed that the more comfortable you are with someone, the meaner you can be. [The following example is a fictional story, made up merely as an illustration.] For example, say you have guests staying at your house. One day, they decide to put some dishes away for you, but they put some of them in the wrong place. When they see you looking for the misplaced dish one day, they say, "Oh I put that in the cabinet by the stove." What would your response be? Probably, "Oh! Thanks for putting the dishes away! That was so nice of you!" Then you'd get the dish down and be on your merry way. Now pretend your husband did it. Instead of being grateful he put the dishes away, you might be a little annoyed that after how many years, he still doesn't know where the dishes go... and then you say, "Why did you put it there? The casserole dishes always go in the cabinet by the fridge! We've never put them in this cabinet. Why don't you know that yet?" Why am I so much more likely to berate and criticize my husband over anyone else? It really shouldn't be that way. And I'm hoping that I can be better about being a bit less comfortable with him.

8. Talk.
   ...especially if you're arguing/fighting/disagreeing a lot. Talk it out. For my husband--a man of very few words and not at all in touch with his feelings--talking it out isn't really his favorite thing. But if he's getting more and more frustrated about my unreasonable reactions towards him for putting the dishes in the wrong spot or bumping Logan's head into a wall/ceiling/door frame/light fixture but never tells me that I need to change how I'm expressing myself, I'm probably going to keep doing it. Maybe I should be smart enough to stay calm and not overreact--but most likely, I'm not in my smartest frame of mind when I'm upset... but if I know that he's told me that I'm upsetting him, perhaps I'll be able to tap into that part of my brain and respond with more grace and compassion. But also, if he never tells me that he's upset and I keep doing it, eventually--months or years down the road--he's going to reach a point where he no longer cares what I say or how I feel... because it seems as though I never cared about him. And that's a scary place to be.

9. Always assume your spouse has goodwill towards you.
   We learned this concept in our Love & Respect Experience devotional book. Instead of assuming that your spouse did or said something with the intent of being mean or hurtful, give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best of them. Assume they meant their question/comment/action in the nicest way possible. It makes a difference.

The first time I wrote an anniversary post, I just came up with some fun, silly things I learned in my first two years of marriage. Not a whole lot of depth went into it. But now, four years in, we're not "old married folks" by any means, but we've seen a new side of marriage. There's still silliness and fun and I've still never once regretted getting married--but we're better able to see how quickly things can fall apart if you don't try. So today, on our four year anniversary, we will be going out to dinner alone to get in some nice, quiet, wonderful child-free couple time. And hopefully we'll make this a bigger priority in the year--ahem, years--to come. Because we plan to be trying for a really really long time.

Also, the couple that dresses up like cows together and gets free Chick-fil-A together, stays together. [Not a proven fact, but it probably helps.] So go get your free Chick-fil-A on Tuesday. :) (That's two Chick-fil-A promotions within a week. They should totally be paying me to promote their free food days. Hah!)