A Legacy of Motherhood

I've been thinking about and anticipating Mother's Day for quite a while. Now before you think I'm an incredibly self-absorbed new mom that longs to be celebrated, let me explain. Back on June 1st, my sweet, precious baby boy made me a mom. It was an incredible day. But let me be honest... I was so incredibly overwhelmed. Some moms want to hold their newborn babies right away, as soon as they've entered the world. I was fine letting the nurses weigh and measure him first. My husband and sisters got to see Logan more than I did initially, and I was OK with that. I was excited that he was finally here, but I was terrified of this tiny person. It was suddenly my full responsibility to nourish and care for this completely helpless little baby. Why hadn't I realized how much pressure this was going to be? I spent that first night in the hospital alone with Logan... and I don't know that I slept at all. There were nurses checking on both of us all the time, yet I couldn't relax. Every tiny noise he made scared the sleep right out of me.

My mom had planned to be with me for the delivery, but Logan decided to show up a week early, so she hadn't arrived yet. When she finally got here, I was an absolute mess! I was having a terrible time nursing. After five days home with me, Logan had lost more weight. I couldn't sleep at all. Travis was sleeping harder and longer than he ever had in the entire duration of our marriage, and I was running on nothing. Logan would wake up crying, hungry, but I couldn't feed him. I couldn't get him to latch on and my breasts were endlessly engorged and aching. Then my mom arrived. It was time to feed Logan and I felt close to tears at the thought of making him cry because his inept mother couldn't figure out how to nurse him. My mom went with me to my bedroom, told me lie on the bed, and she placed Logan next to me. She helped guide his head and got him to latch on in mere seconds. I was shocked! Elated, but shocked. Logan finally got a good meal!

Since that day, I've gone to my mom for numerous other new-mom-freak-out-moments. And throughout the last year, I've realized something: I've always taken my mom for granted. Oh sure, we always celebrated Mother's Day with breakfast in bed, a basket full of her favorite goodies, and lunch at a restaurant of her choosing... but I don't know that I ever stopped to think about what a mom--my mom--really does. Then I became a mom, and it rocked my world--in a good way and an exhausting way. All the things I've had to do (some willingly, others begrudgingly), my mom had to do them too. Three times over! All the endless middle of the night feedings... followed by the endless middle of the night wake ups to play... the teething accompanied by fits of screaming till those teeth cut through... the injuries (though as the most cautious kid to ever walk the earth, I think I may have give my mom a false sense of security on this one--but then she had Brittany!)... the completely reasonable tears.... the completely unreasonable tears [like wanting to drink out of a straw but not wanting the straw in the cup.. but crying because no water was coming out of the straw]... the no sleeping at nap time... the no sleeping at night time... the husband working at night and being the only parent to calm a screaming baby... and eventually being the only parent able to calm the baby down because that's what they're used to. And these are only the things I've gone through. I'm one year in! One year?? My mom is over 25 years in! She's made endless cupcakes to take to school on birthdays. She's helped plan elaborate birthday parties. She's helped with school projects about the state of Texas or Annie Oakley. She helped come up with various Storybook Day (aka Halloween) costumes--even letting us have our costumes made at a tailor! She's made countless breakfasts before school while still preparing lunch for us to take to school. She's edited more papers than I could count and run lines with me for every play I've ever been in. She's played the piano for most of my vocal performances. She's always reminded me to turn to God and trust Him in all things. She helped me through my first heartbreak and helped me plan my wedding. She's flown back to the states on more than one occasion to be with me for a big life event. She gave up a month of vacation time to help take care of my son--and me. She hardly slept; she cleaned our house; she did our laundry; she cooked our meals; and she never once complained. No matter what it's been, she's done it willingly.

There are so many attributes of my mom that I long to emulate. My mom is not a gossip. I have never once heard my mom say a mean thing about someone else or reveal something someone shared with her in confidence. My mom is not a coddler. She encourages us and supports us--but also tells us when we are in the wrong and that we need to apologize. She always helps people. Part of her job is helping new families in Bandung get settled in and enrolled in language school. And no matter what, she always answers their phone calls. On Christmas morning, in the middle of our gift opening, she received a call from one of the new families. She apologized to us for interrupting Christmas, and took the call. The family's car had broken down in the middle of nowhere (essentially) and they weren't sure what to do--and didn't have the Indonesian language skills to communicate well. She made numerous phone calls to make sure that another car with a driver would go pick them up and help get their car in the shop. On Christmas morning!

I have never had to consider what kind of mother I want to be. I have always known that I want to be just like my mom. And that, my friends, is why I've been anticipating Mother's Day. Because this year, I understand. This year, I know that motherhood is exhausting and frustrating and wonderful and fun and so much more work than I ever realized. But it's also so rewarding. And I can assure you that through every single mom-moment I have, especially the ones where I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, my mom will always be there for me, because that's the kind of mom she is. So thank you, Mom. Thank you for being you. Happy Mother's Day!

Now I'm going to finish off with some wonderful Logan stories:

• I put Logan on my lap a couple days ago and started singing a song he likes. Just a few words into the song, he started clapping. He'd never clapped before. It was an exciting day! Hah.
• In one afternoon, Logan cried for the following reasons: I didn't let him stay outside and eat dirt after he crawled out the doggie door; I wouldn't let him play with the water in my drinking cup; I wouldn't let him pick up the dog food bowl and dump all the dog food on the floor; I checked outside the front door because the dogs were insistent that something/someone was out there, but I didn't take him outside; I didn't hold him nonstop the entire afternoon. 
• Logan follows me into the bathroom and then stands up next to me while I pee. As soon as I stand up, he tries to grab the toilet paper out of the toilet before I can flush it. He's only succeeded once: the first time. 
• If Logan sees me changing (ahem, without my shirt/bra on), all he sees is MILK. He starts panting and frantically trying to get to his (apparent) all-access buffet. [Weaning is on the horizon, folks!]
• Logan loves pasta! It doesn't matter how much food he's eaten: he will stuff his face with any kind of pasta. [Except for the Gerber graduate ravioli pick-ups. He spits those out. He'll eat dog food though. Just sayin'.]
• We let Logan watch music videos on YouTube. "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round..." He bounces.
• In a desperate attempt to keep Logan from stealing our phones, we gave him Travis's old iPod touch to play with. He loves that thing. 
• When playing with his toys, Logan is determined to always have two toys in one hand. He will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get both toys in the same hand. And he's always very proud when he succeeds. 
• Logan throws quite the temper tantrums if he doesn't get his way. Arched back, angry face, hitting mom, flopping to this back, etc. It's intense. But also a little bit funny.